My Meltdown

Today I had a meltdown. I'd like to say it was my first one during this pregnancy, but it wasn't. I'd like to say it will be the last, but it probably won't be.

Have you ever been really motion sick? Imagine that feeling lasting all day and all night for five months. Now add the fact that you are throwing up pretty much every day, even though you are on anti-nausea medicine doctors give to chemo patients. You are also constantly tired, your body aches all over, and you have a toddler to take care of. Finally, imagine someone telling you that this will probably last for three to five more months. I bet you'd have a meltdown too.

Now, please know that although small, there is still that rational part of me that keeps telling me things could be a lot worse. I could have a life-threatening illness, or, God forbid, my children or husband could be horribly sick. I KNOW that eventually this will all go away, even if it takes the full nine months. And I KNOW that the end result will be worth it. But knowing all of this still doesn't take away from the fact that right now, I feel pretty darn miserable. Being slightly hormonal and irrational doesn't help either. Okay it's more than slightly. But you get the idea.

Last week I had a really good day. I didn't have to take my anti-nausea medicine, and I hardly felt sick at all. I thought to myself, "This is it! My prayers have been answered! Maybe I'll have at least half of a pregnancy that is normal!" I was very excited. I should have known better. By the end of the week I was back to feeling miserable.

So today, while I was throwing up the wonderful breakfast my husband had made me, my meltdown began. I just felt so frustrated. And exhausted. And defeated. The thought kept creeping into my mind: WHY isn't God answering my prayers?? I've been asking Him to make me feel better for over five months now. WHY isn't He listening to me??

And then, as with most hormonal women, the irrational thoughts began. Maybe God is mad at me? Maybe God just doesn't care? Maybe I'm not praying right? Maybe I should just stop praying?

Yet through the hormones and tears and sickness a verse from the Bible came to me. It's from the Apostle Paul's letter to the Corinthians. He is discussing a physical ailment that he has and says:

"Concerning this thing, I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me. But he said to me, 'My Grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distress, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then He is strong." (2 Cr. 12:8-12)

I'm pretty sure that Paul's relationship with Christ was light years away from mine as far as maturity and depth, and yet God didn't answer his prayer either. He learned instead to be HAPPY in his infirmities. He knew that the only way he could continue was by the Grace of God, and that this complete and utter dependency on God glorified Him in Paul and to others.

Wow. Easier said than done. The bitter and hormonal thought eventually crossed my mind, "Yeah, well Paul was never PREGNANT," but I quickly pushed that aside. The fact of the matter is that Christ's strength is all I have left and if I refuse to accept His Grace now because I'm bitter that things aren't going MY way, I WILL NOT be able to make it through to the end of this.

I would like to say that once this revelation came to me, I was immediately and miraculously healed. However, still had a pretty crummy day. But leaning on Christ's strength at least made it bearable. For now, that's all I've got.